When someone we care about is facing illness, it’s natural to want to help. But knowing what to say—or do—can feel overwhelming. Too often, people pull away, not out of malice, but because they’re unsure how to offer meaningful support.
Let’s change that.
Why Feeling Seen Matters
Illness can be deeply isolating. Beyond the physical symptoms, many people dealing with chronic or terminal conditions report feeling invisible. Friends don’t call. Invitations stop coming. Conversations become surface-level or overly focused on “getting better.”
But connection—real, human connection—is often what they need most.
What Not to Say
It’s easy to default to clichés when we’re uncomfortable. But some common phrases can actually do more harm than good. Here’s what to avoid:
- “Everything happens for a reason.” This dismisses pain instead of acknowledging it.
- “At least it’s not [insert something worse].” Minimizing someone’s experience rarely brings comfort.
- “You’re so strong.” While well-intentioned, this can make people feel like they can’t share their fears or struggles.
What to Say Instead
Simple, honest language goes a long way. Try:
- “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.”
- “I’ve been thinking about you. How are you holding up—really?”
- “Would you like some company this week?”
Sometimes, just listening—really listening—is the most supportive thing you can do.
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
Support doesn’t have to be grand or complicated. Small gestures, done consistently, can remind someone they’re not forgotten.
- Send a voice message instead of texting. Hearing a loved one’s voice can be comforting.
- Drop off their favorite snack or comfort item—no need to linger.
- Offer help with errands or pet care, but be specific: “Can I bring dinner on Wednesday?” is more effective than “Let me know if you need anything.”
Different Illnesses Need Different Support
The needs of someone with a broken leg differ from someone battling terminal cancer. Consider:
- Acute Illness: Help with immediate tasks like meals or transportation.
- Chronic Illness: Ongoing support, especially on “bad days.”
- Terminal Illness: Compassion, presence, and letting the person lead conversations about their condition or end-of-life needs.
Real-Life Inspiration
When John’s best friend was diagnosed with cancer, he didn’t ask “How are you?” every week. Instead, he sent voice notes with silly stories, songs, or encouragement. His friend said those notes made her feel “normal” again—like a person, not just a patient.
Don’t Make It About You
If someone opens up, don’t shift the focus by saying “That happened to my cousin too…” or launching into your own health scare. Validate their feelings. Hold space. Sit in discomfort with them.
Let Them Set the Tone
Some days they’ll want to laugh. Others cry. Let them guide the emotional temperature. Ask questions like:
- “Do you want to talk about it today?”
- “Would it help if I just kept you company while you rest?”
Say Something—Even If It’s Imperfect
Silence hurts more than awkwardness. Reaching out, even clumsily, shows you care. A simple “Thinking of you today” message might mean the world.
Making Seniors Feel Seen
- ISeeU Blankets: A not for profit organization started by an ICU nurse, Alexandra Marcello in a hospital in Queens, NY. During covid, patients were dying and their family was not allowed to be with them. A hand-made blanket is given to the patient, which not only helps the patient be seen as an individual, but also acknowledges and shows respect to the family in their time of grief. Sympathy bags are then made for families that lost their loved one containing a memory candle, flower seeds, and the ISeeU Blanket that covered them during their illness. Families feel a connection and solace knowing that the blanket they received comforted their loved one. Reference: https://www.iseeublankets.org/
- Physical touch, hold their hand
- Listen to fears
- Ask about their life: What was their career, about their children
- Photos: Placing photos of the patient (with family) before they were sick
- Smiling, saying hello: It seems so simple, but can make the difference for someone that is in physical or mental pain
Published June 2024 • Updated August 2025
Reviewed by Debbie Marcello, Founder & CEO of Happier at Home
This content is for informational use only and does not replace medical advice.
